Mentoring? Do we really need it?

"MENTORING". What is it and what does it mean to us? Recently, Debbie White spoke about 'mentoring' to a group of women in Coffs Harbour, NSW, Australia. It was warmly received, and Debbie has agreed to share her thoughts on the subject with us. Firstly, a definition:

men•tor
–noun
1. a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.
–verb (used without object)
2. to act as a mentor: She spent years mentoring younger women in her church.

A 'mentor' is a trusted friend, counsellor or teacher - usually a more experienced person. They provide advice and encouragement, and serve as an example. In Christian circles mentoring is also referred by other names, such as discipling and one-on-one ministry. And sometimes it’s not so clearly defined. Any relationship where two or more Christians intentionally “catch up” regularly to share t heir lives and pray together could be described as a mentoring relationship. The phrases we use to describe mentoring might not appear in the Bible, but the concept is very much there. It was definitely a part of the life of the early church. whatever form they take or title we give them, their common goal is to form relationships that offer Godly support and accountability.

Timothy’s relationship with Paul is one good Biblical example. Timothy was quite a bit younger than Paul, and he travelled and worked with Paul, learning from him, before being left on his own to pastor a congregation – but even then Paul still wrote to him with advice and encouragement.

What does the Bible say?

While mentoring as such is not discussed in the Bible, there are some passages of scripture that talk about the principles involved in this sort of ministry. Let’s explore a few of them.

Hebrews 10:19-25. Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Verses 19-22 give us the reason for the instructions that follow. That reason can be summed up as “because of what God has done for us through Jesus”. It’s talking about the appropriate response to God’s amazing grace. This is the basic motivation for pretty much every aspect of our Christian lives – we do what God asks of us, because of what he has already done for us.

And verses 24-25 are the instructions that are relevant to the topic of mentoring – a key element of which is meeting together to encourage one another, and spur one another on to love and good deeds.

1 Thessalonians 5:10-11: He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Again, we see Jesus’ death for us given as the reason for the instruction that follows, which is to encourage and build one another up – again, key elements of mentoring.

This practice of meeting together to encourage, build up and spur one another on can take many forms. Our Sunday church services and home Bible study groups definitely serve those purposes, up to a point. But more intimate gatherings encourage relationships that give greater accountability, more openness, and more trust. This sort of relationship allows us to confront and support each other in ways that lead to greater spiritual growth.

Next, the book of Titus has a few things to say specifically about women:-

Titus 2:3-5. Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

This is a pretty clear description of what we generally think of when we hear the term “mentoring” - older or more mature Christian women being Godly in the way that they live, consciously setting an example for younger women. Being intentional about this kind of relationship is particularly effective for learning about the day-to-day business of living a Godly life. Spending time with older Christian women, talking about the challenges of Godly living, means you can focus on the things YOU struggle with, and how to apply Godly principles in your particular situation – something that church on Sunday and home group on Wednesday will not necessarily accomplish.

It’s great to seek out either a more mature Christian woman that you feel you could learn from, or a newer or younger Christian who you feel you could help teach – depending on the stage you’re at in your Christian walk.

But this teacher-student arrangement is not the only sort of model that mentoring can take. It’s also very useful to establish this sort of relationship with peers. Where an older woman can give you the benefit of her greater store of life experience, women who are at a similar age or life stage to you will more easily identify and sympathise with the challenges you’re facing. Both types of input are really valuable.

 Three types of mentoring relationship

So from the perspective of an individual, there are three possible types of mentoring relationship you could establish.

The first is a “receiving relationship”, where a more mature (and usually older) woman takes the role of mentor to you and offers advice, modelling, accountability and encouragement. That mentor may also introduce you to other people you can learn from, or help you get involved in new areas of ministry.

The next is a “sharing relationship” – which is between peers, or people of similar age, life stage, and commitment to Christ. This is often described as “co-mentoring”. This sort of relationship will often be more casual, and obviously more equal because it doesn’t have that teacher-student dynamic. But nevertheless, it has many of the same elements; accountability, encouragement, and advice. This is a very effective form of mentoring, and probably the easiest to establish. You may just decide to be more intentional about your relationship with friends that you already spend time with regularly, and agree to talk about your spiritual lives and pray together when you meet.

 The third option is a “giving relationship” – where you take the role of mentor to a younger or less experienced woman (your “mentee”). This may be someone who has sought you out and asked you to take this role, or you might take the initiative and suggest it to someone you think may benefit from your help.

Some Christian mentoring experts suggest that we should have at least one of each of these three types of relationships on the go at all times, to help maintain a balance of Christian discipleship by both receiving and giving – and to hopefully avoid becoming overly reliant on any one of these relationships. So you would regularly meet with a more mature person who you can learn from; a peer who you can share with; and a younger person who you can teach.

This may be unachievable for many – but it’s something to consider. If you’re not doing any of this at the moment, the co-mentoring relationship probably is the easiest place to start. Think about the Christian friends you find encouraging and uplifting company, and ask one or two of them if they’d be willing to meet with you regularly to study the Bible, or just to talk about your spiritual lives and pray for each other.

You need not limit this sort of ministry to meeting with just one other person at a time. You may want to meet with two or three women – which can be even more beneficial, particularly when one of you is going through a particularly tough time, or needs to be challenged strongly. To give an example that I’ve been faced with personally, and which is a distressingly common situation – having to challenge a Christian friend repeatedly about her relationship with a non-Christian man is difficult and emotionally draining, and is much easier to deal with when there’s more than one of you having that conversation, so that you can support each other.

Content of mentoring meet-ups

 Having discussed the idea of mentoring relationships in general terms, how do you actually go about it?? You may have identified one or two other women you’re keen to meet up with – but what do you do when you do meet up? There’s a passage from James which I think identifies some key elements.

James 5:16-20: Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops. My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.

Prayer is essential. And so is confessing your sins, if you want to have the sort of accountability that will help steer you away from temptation and towards holiness. I don’t mean every single little slip-up, or you’d never get anything else done – but the sins that are persistent in your life, that you know you have difficulty avoiding and need help with. The things that you’re not likely to want to bring up as a prayer point at home group!

When someone confesses something to you, it’s not the time to lecture them about how wrong it is – they know that, or they wouldn’t be bringing it up. What is helpful is empathising with them about how difficult it is to overcome sin, praying with them, and talking about ways to avoid that temptation in future. And then remember to check up on how they’re going with that particular issue when you meet. This is true accountability – not just confessing your sin, but knowing that someone is going to be checking up on how you’re going with it in future!

In a sharing relationship, both parties would generally talk about the areas they’re struggling with. In a giving or receiving relationship, it’s generally the less mature person who does the confessing, and the more mature person who offers the support to deal with it (while seeking support from other people to deal with their own struggles). It’s not that a mentor should hide things from their mentee and put up a false façade of holiness – you certainly do want to share your life in a genuine way. But the younger person often won’t have the same degree of spiritual maturity, and so won’t be able to process hearing much about what their mentor is struggling with, while simultaneously wrestling with their own sin. If you’re looking for a Godly example to follow, hearing about everything they do wrong isn’t particularly helpful!

Obviously it takes a certain degree of trust before you’ll be comfortable sharing your deep dark secrets with someone else. If you start meeting up with someone you don’t know very well, it could take months before you’re comfortable with sharing the big scary stuff. On the other hand, there may be things that you’re not even conscious of at first, but that you become aware of as you talk and pray and study the Bible with your mentoring partner. According to James, pointing out each other’s sin is also appropriate. It’s not easy, but challenging our sisters about ungodly behaviour is actually the loving and proper thing to do.

However, sin should not be the sole focus of your conversation – there is a positive aspect to mentoring as well. You’ll also explore God’s word together, and celebrate the ways He has been blessing and growing you.

Examples of mentoring relationships

Let me tell you about a few examples of the sort of mentoring relationships I’ve had in the past.

 For about two years, I used to meet up every two to three weeks for dinner with three friends, to chat about life and pray for each other. We called these gatherings our “girlie dinners”. We had known each other less than a year when we began, but this habit helped us through various challenges that were difficult both spiritually and emotionally, and established very solid, long-lasting friendships which have had a big impact on all of our lives. There were many tears and much laughter at those dinners, as we celebrated life’s joys and faced life’s complications together.

Later, I started meeting up with a younger friend to do a series of studies called “Becoming a Woman of Prayer” . We would meet every week or two, either at her place or in the church garden on a Sunday afternoon. Then she moved to Jakarta! But we’ve still managed to do a few studies via Skype, which is almost as good as in person!

Around that same time, I asked one of my friends from my “girlie dinner” group to do a study series with me on a particular topic. I’d read a book called “Sex is not the problem – lust is” . This was something that had been an issue for both of us for a long time, and we decided it was time to address it properly. There are two study books to accompany the book – one for men, and one for women. So we met up at the pub every week or two to do a study. I don’t know what the other patrons thought of us with our pile of books and Bibles, but it worked for us!

Now that I’ve moved up to Coffs, I’ve been blessed to be invited to be part of a prayer triplet with two women from my church (Coffs Harbour Presbyterian) – which has been very heartening. Although we haven’t been exactly regular with meeting up, it’s been really encouraging, and has made me feel much more supported.

I’ve also recently arranged to meet up with some other women from church. Two mothers whose children are similar ages to my recently-acquired stepchildren have agreed to meet with me for coffee every week or two, to talk about the challenges of parenting. I’ve arranged to go walking regularly with friend of a similar age, to combine exercise with chats about life and praying for each other. And one of the teenage girls has agreed to be my mentee - our plan is to meet every week or two on a Sunday afternoon, beginning with working through the book of Esther because it’s one of the few books of the Bible whose central character is a woman.

Bringing some biblical content into your get-togethers is a good idea, even if your primary focus is prayer, to ensure that you’re relying on God’s wisdom rather than your own to grow and be more Godly.

Overcoming obstacles

 Even if you’re now feeling enthused about the possibilities of mentoring, having read this far, there may still be some obstacles in your mind to getting underway. I’ll address some common ones.

Firstly, you may feel that you don’t have much to offer as a “mentor”. But the key element of mentoring is not outstanding wisdom or Biblical knowledge – although obviously that would be really valuable to a mentee. The main thing is giving up a bit of your time to take an interest in someone else, to ask a few of the right questions, listen, and pray with them. Everybody has something to offer in terms of encouragement and simply sharing your life with someone else.

Secondly, you may be reluctant to commit yourself to something long-term that you can’t then wriggle out of if you feel life is getting too busy or it’s not working for you! But it needn’t be a long-term commitment, particularly up-front. You may ask someone to meet with you to go through a series of half a dozen studies, or read through a book of the Bible, and then decide whether you’re both keen to keep meeting together or leave it at that and try with someone else. This is not a failure – the meet-ups you have will still have been constructive, and it’s worth finding someone you’re really comfortable with to maximise the effectiveness of your mentoring relationship.

Thirdly, you may not be able to figure out WHO to establish a mentoring relationship with. As I mentioned before, the co-mentoring idea is generally the easiest place to start – so think about who you already spend time with, and talk to them about it. The more classic teacher-student sort of mentoring is often more difficult because we may not spend much time with people who are older or younger than us, so don’t really know anybody well enough to ask. You may need to go out of your way to meet people who fall into this category – perhaps attending the evening service at church if you’re a morning service regular (or vice versa), or perhaps asking your pastor’s wife or another well-connected woman at church if she knows of anyone who might be a suitable candidate who she could introduce you to.

And finally, you may think you’re too young to need to worry about this yet! But I don’t think you’re ever too young to be learning from older Christians. I became a Christian at a very young age, but I never really had a mentor. And in my late teens things started to go a bit wrong in my Christian walk – and I went through varying degrees of mess for the next ten years or so. It wasn’t until I met those friends that I used to have girlie dinners with that things really started to get back on track. In recent years I’ve often wondered whether I may have avoided a great deal of that mess if I’d had better and more intentional role models to guide me and establish me in my faith during my teens. So let me encourage any young girls who are reading this to seek out Godly older women who would be good examples for you to learn from!

Keep in mind, a mentor doesn’t need to be someone you know well to begin with – it’s a great way to get to know people better. And it doesn’t need to be a long-term commitment. You may be pleasantly surprised, when you start asking around, at who is really keen to meet up with you!

- Debbie White

(Ed: Debbie is married to Steve White, lives in Coffs Harbour and studied at Sydney Missionary and Bible College)